HOW DO YOU AND YOUR PARTNER HANDLE CONFLICT?
It's Tuesday night. Dinner is cold. Someone said something in a tone that landed wrong and suddenly you're not arguing about the dishes anymore — you're arguing about everything. About who does more. About feeling invisible. About that thing that happened three months ago that was never really resolved.
Sound familiar?
Every couple fights. That's not the problem. The problem is when the same fight keeps happening, and nothing ever shifts. When you go to bed feeling further apart than before. When conflict starts to feel less like a bump in the road and more like the road itself.
After more than 30 years working with couples and families, here's what I know: it's rarely about what you're fighting about. It's almost always about how you're fighting — and whether each of you feels heard and seen in the process. Do you shout it out, talk it out, or avoid it completely? Every couple has their own way of managing conflict and understanding your unique “conflict style” can completely transform the way you communicate and reconnect.
As a relationship coach, I’ve seen how much clarity couples gain once they discover their conflict styles. Drs. John and Julie Gottman, leading experts in relationship research describe three healthy conflict approaches:
💭 1. Avoidant - Avoiders value peace and harmony. They prefer to sidestep arguments and may see conflict as risky or unnecessary. While this helps prevent tension in the short term, unspoken issues can build up quietly over time.
💬 2. Validating - Validators stay calm, listen actively, and look for compromise. They aim to solve problems together, but sometimes focus so much on being rational that they skip over deeper emotional needs.
🔥 3. Volatile - Volatile couples are passionate and expressive. They may argue intensely - but they reconnect just as passionately. The challenge for this style is keeping kindness and humour alive even in heated moments.
The Gottmans found that no single style is “best.” What predicts relationship success is maintaining a 5-to-1 ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflict. For every tense moment or critical comment, aim for five positive gestures - a smile, a gentle touch, a nod of empathy, or a sincere apology.
Sometimes couples experience what’s called a meta-emotion mismatch - for example, an avoidant partner paired with a volatile one. It can feel like you’re speaking different emotional languages. The key isn’t to change your personality, but to understand and adapt to each other’s emotional world.
So next time an argument sparks, ask yourself:
Am I really listening? Is there warmth or humor in this moment? Can I add one small act of kindness to rebalance the scale? The goal isn’t to fight less - it’s to fight better. With awareness, empathy, and the right tools, every disagreement can become an opportunity for deeper connection.
When You Need More Than a Blog Post
Sometimes the patterns are too entrenched to shift alone. That's not failure — that's just what happens when two people have been speaking different emotional languages for years without a translator in the room.
That's where I come in.
I work with couples who are stuck in cycles they can't seem to break — helping them understand their conflict styles, rebuild emotional safety, and find their way back to each other. Not by avoiding hard conversations, but by learning to have them differently.
If any of this felt familiar, I'd love to talk.
Book a free 15-minute call
Lisa Swinburn is a Relationship Coach, Family Mediator, and Educator based in Wānaka, New Zealand, with over 30 years of experience supporting couples and families. She holds certification in the Gottman Method and draws on a wide range of evidence-based approaches.
Work with me and learn how to communicate with clarity, compassion, and calm. Together, we’ll transform conflict into connection.
