HOW DO YOU AND YOUR PARTNER HANDLE CONFLICT?

Do you shout it out, talk it out, or avoid it completely? Every couple has their own way of managing conflict and understanding your unique “conflict style” can completely transform the way you communicate and reconnect.

As a relationship coach and mediator, I’ve seen how much clarity couples gain once they discover their conflict styles. Drs. John and Julie Gottman, leading experts in relationship research describe three healthy conflict approaches:

💭 1. Avoidant - Avoiders value peace and harmony. They prefer to sidestep arguments and may see conflict as risky or unnecessary. While this helps prevent tension in the short term, unspoken issues can build up quietly over time.

💬 2. Validating - Validators stay calm, listen actively, and look for compromise. They aim to solve problems together, but sometimes focus so much on being rational that they skip over deeper emotional needs.

🔥 3. Volatile - Volatile couples are passionate and expressive. They may argue intensely - but they reconnect just as passionately. The challenge for this style is keeping kindness and humor alive even in heated moments.

The Gottmans found that no single style is “best.” What predicts relationship success is maintaining a 5-to-1 ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflict. For every tense moment or critical comment, aim for five positive gestures - a smile, a gentle touch, a nod of empathy, or a sincere apology.

Sometimes couples experience what’s called a meta-emotion mismatch - for example, an avoidant partner paired with a volatile one. It can feel like you’re speaking different emotional languages. The key isn’t to change your personality, but to understand and adapt to each other’s emotional world.

So next time an argument sparks, ask yourself:

Am I really listening? Is there warmth or humor in this moment? Can I add one small act of kindness to rebalance the scale? The goal isn’t to fight less - it’s to fight better. With awareness, empathy, and the right tools, every disagreement can become an opportunity for deeper connection.

Need help understanding your communication patterns as a couple?

Work with me and learn how to communicate with clarity, compassion, and calm. Together, we’ll transform conflict into connection.