ARORERETINI : PARENTING A NEURODIVERGENT YOUNG ADULT

What I've learned about understanding, letting go, and showing up differently

There's a particular kind of helplessness that comes with parenting a young adult who is struggling. You can see exactly what they need. You can see the gap between who they are and what the world seems to be asking of them. And you love them fiercely. Only love isn't always the thing that helps most.

I've spent years working with young people and families as a coach and educator. I thought I understood ADHD pretty well. Then I found myself on the other side of it - as a parent - and realised how different understanding something intellectually is from living it.

This is what I've learned - starting with a word that changed how I see everything.

Aroreretini ; "Attention goes to many things"

In te reo Māori, ADHD is called aroreretini - coined by Māori linguist Keri Opai as part of Te Reo Hāpai, the Language of Enrichment. Rather than a deficit or disorder, the name describes what is actually happening: a mind that moves with curiosity across many things at once. It is an expansive description, not a limiting one.

When I first encountered this word, something shifted in me. Not because it removes the very real challenges of living with ADHD (it doesn't) but because it starts from a completely different place. It starts from the person, not the problem.

In te reo Māori, neurodivergent traits are increasingly understood as taonga - treasures - unique ways of being that carry their own mana, strengths, and gifts. That reframe matters. Because the story we tell about our young people shapes everything: how they see themselves, how they ask for help, and whether they believe they have something worth offering the world.

The gap between knowing what to do and being able to do it — that is the heart of ADHD. And once you truly understand that, everything changes.

It's not about effort or attitude

One of the most important shifts I've had to make is understanding that ADHD is not a motivation problem or a character flaw. It is a neurological difference in how the brain manages executive function- the system responsible for planning, starting tasks, managing time, regulating emotions, and following through.

A young person with ADHD can know exactly what needs to happen, genuinely want to do it, and still find themselves unable to initiate or sustain it - especially when tired, stressed, overwhelmed, or emotionally flooded. This is sometimes called the "knowing-doing gap" and it is one of the most frustrating and misunderstood aspects of the condition.

When I started seeing my son's behaviour through this lens rather than through the lens of willingness or effort, I stopped feeling frustrated and started feeling something closer to compassion. Not soft compassion - practical compassion. The kind that asks: what does he actually need, rather than what should he be doing?

When ADHD meets trauma

For some young people, ADHD doesn't exist in isolation. Brain injury, trauma, and chronic stress can all worsen executive functioning in ways that look very similar to ADHD — or intensify existing symptoms dramatically.

When the nervous system has been under prolonged stress or has experienced trauma, the brain can stay in a kind of survival mode. In that state, the very capacities we expect most of our young people — planning ahead, managing time, regulating emotions, initiating tasks - become genuinely harder to access. It's not stubbornness. It's neuroscience.

Worth understanding

Time blindness is real. People with ADHD often struggle to accurately sense time passing or connect present actions with future consequences — not because they don't care about the future, but because their brain literally processes time differently.

Motivation is wired differently. The aroreretini brain responds far more strongly to interest, urgency, and novelty than to distant consequences or abstract expectations. This is why your young person can be intensely focused on something they love and seemingly incapable of starting something routine.

Emotional regulation is harder. Criticism, conflict, and overload drain the ADHD nervous system quickly — often leading to shutdown or outbursts that look disproportionate from the outside, but feel overwhelming from the inside.

What I've had to unlearn as a parent

I've had to unlearn the idea that they would simply "figure it out" with time. Without the right support and structure, the gap between capability and performance doesn't tend to close on its own — it tends to widen, along with the young person's belief that something is fundamentally wrong with them.

Also, I've had to unlearn, perhaps most painfully, the idea that I could fix it from a distance. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is get alongside someone - literally and practically - rather than directing them from afar.

Underneath aroreretini there is often a person who is intelligent, sensitive, creative, and capable, often exhausted from working against their own brain every single day.

What actually helps

Dr Russell Barkley, one of the world's leading ADHD researchers, describes ADHD as a "performance disorder"- the issue isn't knowing what to do, it's activating the brain to do it consistently. He suggests that people with ADHD need the environment to hold structure externally, because internal regulation is harder to maintain. As parents, we can be part of that external structure — without becoming the enforcer.

Visible systems over memory. Whiteboards, phone reminders, written lists — anything that makes information visible rather than relying on memory.

If you are parenting a young adult with ADHD from another city (or another island) this is for you specifically. The distance adds a particular kind of helplessness. You can see the whole picture more clearly than anyone and you can't just pop round.

A regular, structured check-in helps. Not just problem-solving calls - ordinary connection. What they're excited about or something funny. Keeping the relationship warm and not only functional matters more than it might seem.

Parenting a struggling young adult is one of the harder caregiving roles there is. It doesn't come with much acknowledgement. You are allowed to find it hard and you will need your own support.

If any of this resonates with your experience, I'd love to hear from you - you're not alone.

With love, from one parent to another - Lisa